Carrie Howard was thrilled when she found out she was pregnant.
“I always wanted to be a mom,” Howard said. “I was living with my boyfriend and his family. I was 20 years old and was very excited when I found out.”
But things quickly went downhill.
“My boyfriend didn’t want to be a father,” Howard said. “I ended up having to move out and back in with family. My family was supportive, but they were unwilling to have a newborn in the home. I found myself at a crossroads where I had no job, no home, no license or car, not really anything to offer a child.”
On Friday, Nov. 21, Onondaga County and agencies across the country celebrated National Adoption Day.
This was the 13th such celebration, which is hosted by the Fifth Judicial District and organized by Onondaga County Family Court Judge Martha Walsh Hood.
“We have a very activist Family Court, and when we heard about this opportunity, we jumped on board,” Walsh Hood told Eagle Newspapers in 2008. “This is an excellent way to raise awareness of the fact that November is National Adoption Month, that there are over half a million children in foster care with over 100,000 awaiting adoption and that there are almost 500 in Onondaga County.”
Indeed, in addition to celebrating forever families, the National Adoption Day ceremony helps raise awareness about the need for foster families in Onondaga County.
“We have about 243 foster homes,” said Lynn Carrier, administrative supervisor for the Onondaga County Department of Children and Family Services, “but of those homes, many of them are not accepting kids right now due to the fact that they’re going through an adoption, or they’re going through a personal crisis, or they have one child but can’t take another because it would disrupt that one child. So it sounds like a lot, but we don’t have that many accepting children right now.”
The county is in particular need of homes willing to take teenagers, especially in the city of Syracuse.
“Teens often want to stay in their home school district — and not just teenagers, but 8-, 9- and 10-year-olds,” Carrier said. “They’re going through so many changes, so you hate to change their school piece. They’re often connected to someone there, a counselor or a teacher or someone, and you don’t want to disrupt that.”
Children are placed in foster care either by order of a court, known as an involuntary placement, or because their parents have voluntarily surrendered them to be cared for outside the home. The primary goal is reunification with the child’s biological family, but it’s not always possible; reunification happens in 53 percent of cases on a national level.
Foster parents receive monthly stipends and medical coverage for the foster children through Medicaid. Children are eligible for child care if their foster parents are employed. Parents are also reimbursed for mileage when transporting children to and from medical appointments and family visits. In addition, the children’s caseworkers and the family’s home finder will provide support for foster parents, who can also opt to take ongoing training.
Applicants who wish to become foster parents must:
Be 21 years of age
Be financially stable with a steady means of income
Have at least two bedrooms in your home or rented apartment
Have a way for the agency to contact you
Submit to a home inspection
Submit to a lead inspection
Undergo a background check, including fingerprinting and a DCFS or CPS search to look for indicated reports
If the applicant or a child in the house are in counseling, they must submit a letter to determine the introduction of a foster child won’t disrupt the home.
“We don’t want to put a child in a home that’s going to make things worse for them,” Carrier said. “It’s a lot of responsibility.”
Parents then undergo an 11-week training period, along with a visit with a home finder from the county. If everything works out, the home is then certified as a foster home.
Families can let the county know what age ranges and behaviors they’re comfortable with in their home. In addition, the county looks at different families to make sure they’ll be a good fit for the child.
“Sometimes we will ask a family to go outside of their comfort range if we think they can do a good job,” Carrier said. “But families never has to say yes. They can always say they’re not comfortable.”
Carrier acknowledged that becoming a foster parent isn’t easy.
“It’s very difficult. We’re asking them to treat these children as their own, to fall in love with them, to care for them, then they leave when they return home. It’s very difficult, and it’s not for everyone,” she said. “But it’s also rewarding. You can do so much for the children.”
On National Adoption Day, several of the adoptees had been through the foster care system. Organizers hope the event will prompt others to sign up to take on children.
“It highlights our need for foster parents,” said Mary Wesche, DCFS adoption supervisor. “You can see the difference having a forever family makes for these kids.”
National Adoption Day got its start in 2001 as an effort to publicize the need for adoptive families, raise awareness about the number of children in foster care, communicate the availability of and need for post-adoptive services, build collaboration among local adoption agencies, courts and advocacy organizations and celebrate all families who adopt. Since that time, the celebration has grown from just nine events to more than 300 in all 50 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico. Onondaga County hosts a ceremony to celebrate National Adoption Day every year. The county’s celebration, held at the OnCenter, is one of the biggest in the country and has even been featured on “The Today Show.”
Walsh Hood said the event is significant, particularly at this time of year, because it emphasizes the importance of family.
“Having someone to take care of you, someone who’s there for you, it’s a basic human need,” she said. “Unfortunately, there are so many people who don’t have that. But National Adoption Day is nice because it connects people and fills that need. It makes all of us thankful for what we have.”
So Howard, a Liverpool native, decided to place her unborn child for adoption.
In 2013, about 51,000 children were adopted nationwide, with 102,000 awaiting a permanent home, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Those numbers represent just a fraction of the children in foster care; some 402,000 were in care during the year but not yet eligible for adoption.
In Onondaga County, roughly 300 children are in foster care. Of those, 77 had been legally freed for adoption as of Nov. 17, with just two not in adoptive placements. According to Onondaga County Department of Children and Family Services Adoption Supervisor Mary Wesche, the county’s primary goal is reunification, but it doesn’t always work out that way.
“We diligently assist the parent with services and reunification efforts,” Wesche said, “but this cannot always be accomplished. Some parents choose to surrender their parental rights, knowing that their child is loved, safe and well cared for by their foster parent. Surrender is a way to plan for their child’s future and well-being.”
Preparing for a better life
That was what prompted Howard’s decision.
“I wanted what was best for her, even if I couldn’t give it to her,” she said.
So Howard began researching the process of placing her child for adoption. She chose to go through Catholic Charities of Syracuse. It was a long and emotionally draining process.
“There were plenty of forms to fill out about family history, medical history and what your wishes are regarding the adoptive parents,” she said. “You can choose to have an open adoption where visitation arrangements can be made with the adoptive parents or a closed adoption where little to no contact is made. I had chosen an open adoption at the time.”
Then came the process of choosing a family. The agency offered albums with information about potential adoptive families in the area, and Howard searched through them to pick one to care for her daughter. Catholic Charities arranged a meeting and a new family was born — leaving Howard to prepare to say goodbye to the life inside her. She gave birth in 2000 to a healthy baby girl in what she calls a “wonderful” experience.
“The hospital was informed when I registered that she was being adopted so there would be no uncomfortable moments with the nursing staff,” she said. “I was given the option of keeping her in my room or sending her to the nursery, like any other mom. I chose to keep her with me. I wanted the precious couple of days to tell her stories, and show her my love. I took many pictures and saved precious mementos.”
But then it was time to let her baby girl go.
“At discharge, you’re given time to say your goodbyes to your child,” Howard said. “But there’s never enough time.”
And the struggle didn’t end when Howard returned home.
“You go home and your body is still in new mom mode,” she said. “Your hormones still make commercials on TV bring you to tears. You do what you can to tell yourself it’s the best decision for your child, but your heart is broken because you wish it was different.”
Howard named her baby girl, then gave custody to the adoption agency. The agency temporarily placed her in a foster home until the parties convened in family court, where Howard would officially terminate her parental rights. That court date took place within a week of the birth.
“You go to court and sign your rights away and try to get on with your life so your baby can go to their forever home,” Howard said.
As heartbroken as she was, Howard said she had no room for second thoughts.
“It wasn’t really an option for me at the time,” she said. “I loved her very much, but I knew I couldn’t [give her what she needed]. It still broke my heart to go home without her.”
Moving forward
Though she was no longer legally the child’s mother, Howard still had the opportunity to see her baby girl, having opted for an open adoption. In an open adoption, the adoptive parents and birthparents stay in touch. The adoptive parents keep the birthparents apprised of the child’s life, providing pictures and other details. Depending on the degree of openness, the birthmother can still visit with the child. Roughly 67 percent of adoptions in the United States are at least semi-open adoptions.
The alternative is a closed adoption, in which adoptive parents and birthparents do not communicate after the adoption is complete. The adoption records are often permanently sealed, and the child often does not know who his or her birthparents are.
In New York state, the Department of Health runs an Adoption Registry. Birthparents, children who are adopted or their siblings can sign up to learn more or even arrange a reunion. The registry includes non-identifying information, including general appearance, religion, ethnicity, race, education, occupation and the name of the agency that arranged the adoption, and the facts and circumstances relating to the nature and cause of the adoption. If all parties have registered and given consent, names and addresses can be shared. Birth parents can also give medical and psychological information to the registry, which can be shared if the adoptee is registered. The registry does not search for adoptees or parents who haven’t registered, nor does it release original birth certificates or adoption records.
Anyone born or adopted in New York state ate least 18 years of age can register, and adoptees under 18 years can register to receive medical information with the permission of an adoptive parent. Birthparents can only register if the adoptee is eligible and if their signature is available on an instrument of surrender. For more information on the registry, visit health.ny.gov/vital_records/adoption.htm.
Though many adoption agencies recommend some degree of openness to help adoptees and birthparents avoid having to resort to searching for each other, some parents find it to be too hard, including Howard.
“I had scheduled visitations at the adoption agency,” she said. “The visits were wonderful, but not easy for me. I could see she was thriving and they loved her, yet I didn’t feel like I had a big part anymore. I felt like an outsider, I didn’t know what role I had. I wasn’t ‘Mom’ anymore, but I felt like I was.”
A miscommunication between Howard and her daughter’s adoptive parents stopped the visits when the child was nine months old. They agreed a closed adoption would work best from that time on, and Howard hasn’t seen her daughter since.
Now a divorced mom of three boys, Howard thinks about her daughter every day. She knows where the family lives, but doesn’t interfere out of respect for their privacy. She does collect clippings and news articles that she hopes to share with the girl someday, and her sons know they have an older sister whom they hope to ultimately meet. Howard said she plans to wait for her daughter, now 14, to make contact.
“I have endless amounts of wishes for her,” Howard said of her daughter. “I wish her happiness and success in life. I hope she finds love, that she discovers a passion in life for reading or dancing or art or whatever it is she loves to do. I hope she loves who she is and knows her worth as a person. I want her to be strong and independent to have a voice when she wants her opinion known. To know she is never alone in the world.”
Howard said she still knows she made the right choice.
“As hard and emotionally draining adoption can be to a birthparent it is one of the greatest gifts you can give to another person,” she said. “There are so many people that dream of being parents and for whatever reason, it doesn’t happen. The day I found out I was going to be a parent, a light came on, and I realized it wasn’t about me anymore. My child’s needs would always be more important.”
