I’m sitting here and my ear is hurting. Why? Because I have to wear a Bluetooth hands-free device in order to speak on my phone in the car. Great idea, but aren’t there Gamma Rays or something being aimed at my head? Just asking. After a while I think we’ll have medical cases where an earpiece has fused with the head and become part of the ear. Move that piece of hair aside and just plug the darn thing into the USB port growing out of your head.

Okay, next is the new phone: it’s smart, I’m not.

Since my iPhone handles my e-mail I have it synced with my Microsoft Outlook e -mail accounts. Now I can drive (or walk) and talk simultaneously. I have “apps” that track everything from spending to the caloric counts in every McDonald’s menu item.

I turn on the car and my TomTom GPS device tells me where to go, in which direction and how long it will take to get me there. I can use the standard American woman’s voice or if I’m feeling really creative I’ll use my Snoop Dog vocal option. “You have reached your destination” in urban slang. Homer Simpson, Mr. T and other celebrity voices are also available.

I’ve become so dependent on this satellite-driven device that I admit TomTom could send me towards Onondaga Lake at 55 mph off the parkway and I’d do it!

Since there is no land-based local talk radio that’s not some freak hating on poor and black people, I’ve gone celestial — that is, satellite XM radio. If I want to listen to talk I can choose talk that’s not insulting. After shuttering 106.9’s urban format I made a decision that Clear Channels can’t dictate my music or what talk I hear. Now, if I want a “tea party” I’ll buy Celestial Seasonings brand. No more Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich or Rush in my car — they’ve been banned. But now there’s another satellite pointed at my head.

Like any full-grown nerd I waited two-and-a-half hours for the iPad 2, a device that resembles my phone on steroids! I have a Bible app that allows me to take my iPad to church and simply scroll and point at the verse and suddenly I’m reading an electronic Bible complete with lessons, notes, highlighting pen and bookmark for future reference. The device even comes with a complimentary copy of Winnie the Pooh with pages that turn with the sound and look of a regular printed page of paper.

Not only can I surf the web, I can take photos and video just like the phone. Gee, I can be like Oprah! The KENetwork! Isn’t it obvious that I’ve been impacted by all the devices pointed at my head?

Now I have to write a hand-written note, but I forgot how to use a pen.

Ken is the editor of Urban CNY and a weekly columnist for The Eagle. Reach him at [email protected].