By Kathy Hughes

Contributing Columnist

In an early childhood meltdown, my brother, as the youngest child, loudly lamented: “Mommy doesn’t listen to me, Daddy doesn’t listen to me, Kathy doesn’t listen to me — nobody listens to me.” Oh, little brother, how well I know the feeling!

As Aretha Franklin put it, “R-E-S-P-E-CT” is something we all crave, not only within the family, but also from peers and strangers. Respect is a quality that is difficult to define — it can be earned or demanded; it can be based upon authority or dependence, but seldom on equality.

I have always felt cheated in the respect category. Throughout my youth and mid-adulthood, I had a “baby face” that made me look 10 years younger, and I never felt this was an asset. Whenever I ventured to speak up, the reaction from peers and elders alike was as if I were being presumptuous.

Now in early senior-hood, the reverse has happened — I may look my age, but that means my views and abilities are easily dismissed. Anyone who maintains that age discrimination isn’t real in our society doesn’t know what they are talking about and it is extremely damaging to one’s self-esteem.

Esteem — now there’s a good word. While the derivation of “respect” is rather boring — it goes straight back to the Latin, with little richness of meaning, whereas, “esteem” is also from Latin and is related to “estimate.” Both respect and regard mean “to look at,” but esteem is more of an appraisal. I think I’d rather be esteemed, than respected or regarded.

For the most part, all of these attributes are based on appearances, the perceptions of others: the way one dresses, speaks or behaves based on conventions and biases, which are often based on gender, race, age and even religion. Who decides these things? — that socks should match or that one shouldn’t find humor in their own faults and frailties?

Another word comes to mind — dignity. One dictionary definition is “a way of appearing or behaving that suggests seriousness or self-control.” That makes me want to cry, because if that’s what it takes to be respected, I’m out of luck. I can do it if the situation demands it, such as an audience with the queen, but where’s the fun in that to do it all the time?

To me, I’ve decided the important quality is to be respectful, and to believe in human dignity as a given. I have learned to forgive myself, and to respect and accept others for who they are — up to a point! I think that we all should be esteemed based on how we treat others and not be so much concerned with how we are treated. I have learned the importance of listening to others, more than whether they listen to me. The world does not center around me, and it’s not worth making everyone else miserable just to have my way.