Retired teacher and Minoa resident Jeff Goldstein enjoyed a happy childhood until the illness and death of his younger sister, Sheryl. As Goldstein watched his parents descend into grief, he watched his own life fall apart, too.
More than five decades later, Goldstein has released a memoir about the years of physical and verbal abuse he endured at the hands of his parents. He is donating all of the proceeds of “Caught in the Undertow: Escaping the Grip of Childhood Abuse” to two local charities, Vera House and the McMahon/Ryan Child Advocacy Center.
Since the book’s release in May, Goldstein has been giving presentations around Central New York to share how he overcame the scars of child abuse to live a fulfilling life. He said he hopes to raise awareness about child abuse and change society’s treatment of abuse victims.
Goldstein spoke at the Baldwinsville Public Library on Dec. 2. Val Chism, young adult librarian at BPL, said Goldstein is one of several authors the library has hosted.
“I can’t think of anybody I know who hasn’t been touched by child abuse in some way … so it’s terribly important,” Chism said of Goldstein’s work.
Goldstein said although his story is specifically about child abuse, the attitude he used to process and manage his pain can be applied to life obstacles of every sort.
Goldstein was born in Brooklyn in 1951 and his family moved to Long Island after the birth of his younger brother, Keith. Later, another daughter, Michele, was born.
His sister, Sheryl, fell ill and died at age 5 from complications of anemia. Goldstein, who was 7 at the time, was very close to Sheryl, but his parents refused to allow him to attend her funeral.
“They did not know how to deal with my sister dying,” Goldstein said. “It hurt me more than anything they ever did to me that they never let me say goodbye to her.”
Goldstein’s mother and father turned their grief into abuse toward their oldest son. His mother told him, “I wish you had died instead.”
“It was like she stuck her hand in my chest, ripped my heart out and threw it against the wall,” Goldstein recalled.
Goldstein and his mother have reconciled, but when he asked her why she said those things to him, she replied, “You were bad.”
While his mother’s abuse was verbal and emotional, Goldstein’s father became physically violent.
Goldstein remembers how he and his dad used to play catch in the yard: “It was like we were throwing love back and forth.” After Sheryl’s death, his father began to throw the ball much harder than a little boy could catch.
“He’d yell at the top of his lungs for all the neighbors to hear how worthless I was,” Goldstein said.
His father began choking, slapping and throwing his son against the wall. Once, Goldstein ended up in the emergency room, where his charismatic father told the doctor that his son had suffered a “football injury.”
Goldstein developed severe anxiety and suicidal thoughts as he entered adolescence, but he kept his feelings inside, ashamed of what he thought was his own fault.
“I realized when I was in high school nobody in my family ever hugged me anymore,” he said. “I never stopped loving my mother. I never stopped loving my father. This ached — I wanted them to love me.”
Goldstein became addicted to Valium and struggled with drugs and alcohol in college. Through years of counseling, Goldstein was able to pick up the pieces from his childhood abuse. He became a teacher, has been married for 39 years and has two sons and a grandson.
“There’s no way I could be more successful, but this is inside of me. It never goes away,” he said.
Goldstein said society often blames victims of abuse for what has happened to them.
“We are ashamed. We feel defective, like it’s our fault. We live in a society that reinforces that,” he said. “You start to internalize it.”
He cited the video of former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice beating his then-fiancée, Janay, in an elevator. He said many people asked why Janay didn’t just leave Ray or said she must have done something to provoke him.
“People don’t understand how powerless and helpless and hopeless you feel [against the person that you love],” Goldstein said.
Goldstein shared the story of how he tried to run away from one of his father’s beatings at age 15. When the police returned him home, they told him, “A good whooping never hurt anybody. Mind your dad.”
Through writing and sharing his story, Goldstein said he’s not looking for pity, but for understanding. He wants people who have suffered trauma to understand that what happened to them does not define them.
“Scars determine where you’ve been, but you can determine where you’re going,” he said. “The best revenge [against] someone who abused you is to be happy and to have a great life.”
Goldstein’s book is available from bn.com and amazon.com. For an autographed copy, email him at [email protected]. All proceeds benefit Vera House and the McMahon/Ryan Child Advocacy Center.
To learn more about Goldstein and where he’s presenting next, visit facebook.com/caughtintheundertow.
